Jokes told to me



  • Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator. I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.



  • We just got a fax. At work. We didn't know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.



  • My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.



  • What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.



  • Wi-Fi went down during family dinner tonight. One of the kids started talking and I didn't know who he was.



  • How did the blonde die while raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.



  • If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.



  • Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? -- She didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills!



  • Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? He only comes once a year.



  • They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.



  • Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
    A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.



  • A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."



  • Q: I go in hard, come out soft but i never mind if you want to blow me. What am I?
    A: Chewing gum.



  • Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.



  • If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?



  • Q: Why did the diet coach send her clients to the paint store?
    A: She heard you could get thinner there.



  • These are almost as bad as your master skills.



  • This post is deleted!


  • @swatllama No probllama.


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